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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Vanilla Ice To Work With Amish In New TV Show

Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a reality show on the DIY Network titled Vanilla Ice Goes Amish, in which the “Ice Ice Baby” singer will live among an Amish community in Ohio to learn their construction methods. What do you think?

  • “I’ll give him two weeks tops before he loses it for lack of zippers.”

    Daniel Aronson Pewter Caster
  • “Must be weird for the Amish to participate in a project where they’re not the punch line.”

    Charla Mason Limousine Driver
  • “This is a total rip-off of Hammer Goes Hasidic.”

    Ken Carr Insole Buffer

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