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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Vanilla Ice To Work With Amish In New TV Show

Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a reality show on the DIY Network titled Vanilla Ice Goes Amish, in which the “Ice Ice Baby” singer will live among an Amish community in Ohio to learn their construction methods. What do you think?

  • “I’ll give him two weeks tops before he loses it for lack of zippers.”

    Daniel Aronson Pewter Caster
  • “Must be weird for the Amish to participate in a project where they’re not the punch line.”

    Charla Mason Limousine Driver
  • “This is a total rip-off of Hammer Goes Hasidic.”

    Ken Carr Insole Buffer

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