Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago

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Vol 48 Issue 40

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something.

Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago

Officers in a police helicopter discovered a marijuana plantation on Chicago’s South Side that is the size of two football fields, containing more than 1,500 large plants and worth an estimated $7 million to $10 million. What do you think?

  • “Oh, didn’t they see it earlier when it was on Buzzfeed’s top 20 marijuana plantations visible on Google Maps?”

    Jack McCulley
    Experimental Welder
  • “Are they sure it’s not oregano? One time I bought a field of marijuana from a guy, and when I got it home, it was just a vast field of oregano.”

    Theadora Melnick
    Racehorse Trainer
  • “Who would have thought to commit a crime in Chicago?”

    Mark Edelman
    Sewing Machine Operator
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