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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago

Officers in a police helicopter discovered a marijuana plantation on Chicago’s South Side that is the size of two football fields, containing more than 1,500 large plants and worth an estimated $7 million to $10 million. What do you think?

  • “Oh, didn’t they see it earlier when it was on Buzzfeed’s top 20 marijuana plantations visible on Google Maps?”

    Jack McCulley Experimental Welder
  • “Are they sure it’s not oregano? One time I bought a field of marijuana from a guy, and when I got it home, it was just a vast field of oregano.”

    Theadora Melnick Racehorse Trainer
  • “Who would have thought to commit a crime in Chicago?”

    Mark Edelman Sewing Machine Operator

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