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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Vatican Against ‘Ethical’ Stem Cells

A new technique of harvesting stem cells without destroying the embryos is coming under fire from the Vatican as unethical. What do you think?
  • "I expect this kind of knee-jerk moral grandstanding from Bush, but the Vatican?"

    Blain Gunsrud Spot Welder
  • "I wish, time and time again, that the Vatican were not composed of the foremost scientists on embryonic research in the world. This makes it very difficult for anyone to argue a case against them, and we are repeatedly left at an impasse."

    Ivan Andresen Music Promoter
  • "It serves those scientists right for trying to slip under the Vatican's ethical radar with these disease-eradicating, life-saving experiments."

    Kelly Miller Stained Glass Artisan

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