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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

A self-described "friend" of Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley is attempting to sell for $250,000 a video in which the 27-year-old purportedly does cocaine. What do you think?
  • “I don't get it. What's the hook here? Does she do cocaine really well? Is it an impressive amount of cocaine?”

    George Furlong Humane Officer
  • “If she was snorting it through one of those pocket Constitutions that Kucinich hands out, I’ll go get my checkbook.”

    Peggy Bryan Watch Assembly Inspector
  • "Did you know there's a videotape of Richard Hilton's daughter Paris having sex?"

    Leon Walker Cabinetmaker

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