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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?
  • "Can people who are not police search and seize cars now, too? Because I've had my eye on my neighbor's Camaro for a long, long time."

    Thomas Rayburn Systems Analyst
  • "Police definitely need to file a warrant before they search a vehicle. Otherwise, how will they know for sure that the car belongs to a minority?"

    Louise O'Connell Receptionist
  • "What's this country coming to? Next, the police will be able to confiscate the weed from my glove compartment, too."

    Christine Davis Dental Hygienist
  • "As a certified bikini inspector, let me tell you I don't need a warrant to do my job, either. Whoo-hoo!"

    Ben Gaitskell Repair Man
  • "It sounds like this is just one more way American civil liberties are being quietly chipped away. Oh, well. Could you pass me another Nutter Butter? Those things are tasty."

    Andy Perón Machine Operator
  • "Everyone's blowing this so-called rights issue out of proportion. If someone's driving erratically, more often than not they have a car full of Jews."

    Cecil Dubcek Hospital Administrator

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