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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?
  • "Can people who are not police search and seize cars now, too? Because I've had my eye on my neighbor's Camaro for a long, long time."

    Thomas Rayburn Systems Analyst
  • "Police definitely need to file a warrant before they search a vehicle. Otherwise, how will they know for sure that the car belongs to a minority?"

    Louise O'Connell Receptionist
  • "What's this country coming to? Next, the police will be able to confiscate the weed from my glove compartment, too."

    Christine Davis Dental Hygienist
  • "As a certified bikini inspector, let me tell you I don't need a warrant to do my job, either. Whoo-hoo!"

    Ben Gaitskell Repair Man
  • "It sounds like this is just one more way American civil liberties are being quietly chipped away. Oh, well. Could you pass me another Nutter Butter? Those things are tasty."

    Andy Perón Machine Operator
  • "Everyone's blowing this so-called rights issue out of proportion. If someone's driving erratically, more often than not they have a car full of Jews."

    Cecil Dubcek Hospital Administrator
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