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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts

Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you think?
  • "Stupid Venezuelans! Don't they know the stuff's valuable?"

    Hugh Webb Pipe Fitter
  • "Our government should accept it and then turn around and sell it at a huge profit. In your face, Venezuelan president! And the poor!"

    Brenda Kruse Manicurist
  • "I think the poor should do the right thing and snub Chavez's offer."

    Hank Augustine Switchboard Operator

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