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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Venezuela Running Out Of Toilet Paper

Government mismanagement has left toilet paper in short supply in Venezuela, causing long lines to form throughout the country to purchase the rapidly dwindling item, and prompting lawmakers to call for the immediate importation of 50 million rolls. What do you think?

  • “See, this is why Chavez was such a huge proponent of bidets.”

    Nikita Nikolic Unemployed
  • “They better make sure it’s two-ply or they’ll end up right back where they started in a week.”

    Dennis Fogarty Chain Repairer
  • “What are they, a bunch of fragile flowers? Just use coffee filters like everyone else who runs out.”

    Peter Houseman Oven Operator

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