adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies

Hugo Chávez, Venezuela’s divisive leader for the past 14 years and a vocal detractor of the United States, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 58. What do you think?

  • “That’s a shame. All the best enemies of America die young.”

    Mandy McLeod Miner
  • “Life’s funny sometimes. One minute, you’re ruling over a broke, crime-ridden country. The next, you’re dead.”

    Gary Beck Condenser Tube Tender
  • “Hopefully his successor won’t be such a divisive figure. Could you even imagine living in a place where half the country doesn’t trust their own leader?”

    Bob Rennison Systems Analyst

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close