adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Vertigo' Named Top Movie Of All Time

The 1958 Alfred Hitchcock thriller Vertigo was named the greatest movie of all time in the British Film Institute's annual ranking of the top 50 movies, ousting Orson Welles' 1941 classic Citizen Kane from the spot it had occupied for half a century. What do you think?

  • “Hey, now that you mention it, it is objectively much better.”

    Cory Southwell Yarn Cleaner
  • “Yeah, Citizen Kane came out more than 70 years ago. You’ve got to keep things fresh.”

    Farrah Roesch Packaging Engineer
  • “This would never have happened if Rosebud had turned out to be something awesome like a rocket-car or a dragon.”

    Oswaldo Fama Fundraiser

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close