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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church

Thieves stole a Catholic relic that contained blood from the late pope John Paul II from a church in central Italy over the weekend, prompting a major police search in the area. What do you think?

  • “They say as long as you have a person’s blood, they’re not really gone.”

    Bob Cupisti Nickel Plater
  • “It’s sickening that anyone would use blood for anything but normal Catholic customs.”

    Sonia Herron Museum Curator
  • “That’s why I always hide my blood in an old Pringles can.”

    Victor Loriga Unemployed

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