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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church

Thieves stole a Catholic relic that contained blood from the late pope John Paul II from a church in central Italy over the weekend, prompting a major police search in the area. What do you think?

  • “They say as long as you have a person’s blood, they’re not really gone.”

    Bob Cupisti Nickel Plater
  • “It’s sickening that anyone would use blood for anything but normal Catholic customs.”

    Sonia Herron Museum Curator
  • “That’s why I always hide my blood in an old Pringles can.”

    Victor Loriga Unemployed

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