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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church

Thieves stole a Catholic relic that contained blood from the late pope John Paul II from a church in central Italy over the weekend, prompting a major police search in the area. What do you think?

  • “They say as long as you have a person’s blood, they’re not really gone.”

    Bob Cupisti Nickel Plater
  • “It’s sickening that anyone would use blood for anything but normal Catholic customs.”

    Sonia Herron Museum Curator
  • “That’s why I always hide my blood in an old Pringles can.”

    Victor Loriga Unemployed
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