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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Video Games To Have Ads

EA Games, makers of the popular Madden football-video-game franchise, just signed a deal with Microsoft's ad-placement arm to incorporate real-time spots in their titles. What do you think?
  • "It was only a matter of time before playing sports video-games sucked in all the same ways as being at the event or watching it on TV."

    Blain Powell Proofreader
  • "Well, of course advertisers are welcome to make offers, but they should know my virtual athletes' endorsements don't come cheap."

    Karen Thiede Systems Analyst
  • "Finally, a game that can simulate the thrill of watching televised-sporting-event ads."

    Fletcher Dowling Exterminator

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