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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
  • "A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

    Richard Eisling Electrician
  • "Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act."

    Ken Longchamps Bond Trader
  • "Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish."

    George Hall Systems Analyst
  • "The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?"

    Ellen Dawes Interior Decorator
  • "The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets."

    Gina Fasso Student
  • "My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried."

    Nate Nestor Pharmacist

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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