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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
  • "A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

    Richard Eisling Electrician
  • "Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act."

    Ken Longchamps Bond Trader
  • "Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish."

    George Hall Systems Analyst
  • "The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?"

    Ellen Dawes Interior Decorator
  • "The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets."

    Gina Fasso Student
  • "My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried."

    Nate Nestor Pharmacist
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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