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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
  • "A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

    Richard Eisling Electrician
  • "Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act."

    Ken Longchamps Bond Trader
  • "Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish."

    George Hall Systems Analyst
  • "The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?"

    Ellen Dawes Interior Decorator
  • "The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets."

    Gina Fasso Student
  • "My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried."

    Nate Nestor Pharmacist

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