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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

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With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
  • "A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

    Richard Eisling Electrician
  • "Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act."

    Ken Longchamps Bond Trader
  • "Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish."

    George Hall Systems Analyst
  • "The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?"

    Ellen Dawes Interior Decorator
  • "The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets."

    Gina Fasso Student
  • "My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried."

    Nate Nestor Pharmacist

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