adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
  • "A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

    Richard Eisling Electrician
  • "Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act."

    Ken Longchamps Bond Trader
  • "Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish."

    George Hall Systems Analyst
  • "The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?"

    Ellen Dawes Interior Decorator
  • "The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets."

    Gina Fasso Student
  • "My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried."

    Nate Nestor Pharmacist

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close