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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Violence On Ice

On Feb. 21, Boston Bruins defenseman Marty McSorley was suspended for the rest of the season for a savage stick hit to the head of Vancouver Canucks left winger Donald Brashear. What do you think of this latest incident of NHL violence and the possibility of criminal prosecution?
  • "Hockey players need to learn to sit down and work through their differences through improved communication. That's the premise of my new book, Penguins Are From Pittsburgh, Oilers Are From Edmonton."

    Samantha Krauss Author
  • "Man, I'd hate to do time in one of them Canadian prisons. I've heard some scary stuff."

    Ed Wyler Cashier
  • "I hit someone in the face with a stick at Wal-Mart yesterday, and the greeters had me in the cart corral for 10 minutes."

    Doug Rohm Welder
  • "Wasn't Brashear cushioned from the blow by his long, flowing mane of hockey hair?"

    Donna Winters Manicurist
  • "I can't believe the police would want to get involved just because a man intentionally hit another man with a blunt object with the intent to cause great bodily harm."

    Sam Schneider Systems Analyst
  • "This sort of violence will stop once the players realize how much it displeases the fans."

    Bruce Thomas Attorney

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