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Violence On Ice

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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Violence On Ice

On Feb. 21, Boston Bruins defenseman Marty McSorley was suspended for the rest of the season for a savage stick hit to the head of Vancouver Canucks left winger Donald Brashear. What do you think of this latest incident of NHL violence and the possibility of criminal prosecution?
  • "Hockey players need to learn to sit down and work through their differences through improved communication. That's the premise of my new book, Penguins Are From Pittsburgh, Oilers Are From Edmonton."

    Samantha Krauss Author
  • "Man, I'd hate to do time in one of them Canadian prisons. I've heard some scary stuff."

    Ed Wyler Cashier
  • "I hit someone in the face with a stick at Wal-Mart yesterday, and the greeters had me in the cart corral for 10 minutes."

    Doug Rohm Welder
  • "Wasn't Brashear cushioned from the blow by his long, flowing mane of hockey hair?"

    Donna Winters Manicurist
  • "I can't believe the police would want to get involved just because a man intentionally hit another man with a blunt object with the intent to cause great bodily harm."

    Sam Schneider Systems Analyst
  • "This sort of violence will stop once the players realize how much it displeases the fans."

    Bruce Thomas Attorney

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