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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

Statistics indicate that the violent-crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest point in 30 years. What do you think?
  • "Violent crime is down largely due to the use of tasers, which when used properly, are considered not violent, but 'humorous' crimes."

    Hailey Woodruff Tailor
  • "It's no wonder. With the unattainable standards set by violence in the media, no one wants to try to compete."

    Richard Comstock Cashier
  • "As much as I'd like to contest this new statistic, it's just not worth being tried for 426 counts of murder."

    Jackson Crow Systems Analyst

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