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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

Statistics indicate that the violent-crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest point in 30 years. What do you think?
  • "Violent crime is down largely due to the use of tasers, which when used properly, are considered not violent, but 'humorous' crimes."

    Hailey Woodruff Tailor
  • "It's no wonder. With the unattainable standards set by violence in the media, no one wants to try to compete."

    Richard Comstock Cashier
  • "As much as I'd like to contest this new statistic, it's just not worth being tried for 426 counts of murder."

    Jackson Crow Systems Analyst
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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