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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer. What do you think?

  • "But that would require eating, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid by taking up smoking."

    Beth Jorden Systems Analyst
  • "B6, B6, let's check the ol' pack here… How about low tar? That's probably good, right?"

    Alex Hicks Embalmer
  • "That’s old news. It’s why I smoke Pall Mall Banana 100s."

    Dave Bishop Toll Booth Operator

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