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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer. What do you think?

  • "But that would require eating, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid by taking up smoking."

    Beth Jorden Systems Analyst
  • "B6, B6, let's check the ol' pack here… How about low tar? That's probably good, right?"

    Alex Hicks Embalmer
  • "That’s old news. It’s why I smoke Pall Mall Banana 100s."

    Dave Bishop Toll Booth Operator
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