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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process. What do you think?

  • “I don’t vote early because I like to make the candidates sweat.”

    Carmen Eklund Systems Analyst
  • “But how can those people make a decision without knowing whether the candidates thank the moderators at the upcoming debates?”

    Scott Ram Label Stamper
  • “I’d still wait. What if the candidate who shares all your values and policy views accidentally says something that sounds inappropriate when taken out of context?”

    Orville Marchant Rust Proofer
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