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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Voyager 1 Leaves Solar System

NASA announced that its Voyager 1 space probe, which was launched in 1977, officially left our solar system over a year ago, becoming the first man-made object to enter interstellar space. What do you think?

  • “Man, I bet we look like teeny tiny ants from up there.”

    Nannette Giroux Janitorial Supervisor
  • “It’s exciting, but I feel bad for the elderly monkey piloting it.”

    Raul Zager Parole Officer
  • “Good riddance.”

    Ed Boyachek ATM Servicer

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