Voyager 1 Leaves Solar System

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Vol 49 Issue 38

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading me...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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Voyager 1 Leaves Solar System

NASA announced that its Voyager 1 space probe, which was launched in 1977, officially left our solar system over a year ago, becoming the first man-made object to enter interstellar space. What do you think?

  • “Man, I bet we look like teeny tiny ants from up there.”

    Nannette Giroux
    Janitorial Supervisor
  • “It’s exciting, but I feel bad for the elderly monkey piloting it.”

    Raul Zager
    Parole Officer
  • “Good riddance.”

    Ed Boyachek
    ATM Servicer
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