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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

The death of the Wal-Mart founder's widow, Helen Walton, is slated to become a $16.4 billion windfall for The Walton Family Foundation, a charitable organization that backs public education reform. What do you think?
  • "Helen Walton leaving her fortune to the Walton Family Foundation? This stinks of nepotism."

    Lacey Rasmussen Systems Analyst
  • "This mom-and-pop public education operation has been around long enough."

    Brendan Flaherty Concierge
  • "On the one hand, I don't care for Wal-Mart. On the other hand, I don't care for public education. So this rich dead lady is really starting to piss me off."

    Larry Keenan Grocer

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