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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

The death of the Wal-Mart founder's widow, Helen Walton, is slated to become a $16.4 billion windfall for The Walton Family Foundation, a charitable organization that backs public education reform. What do you think?
  • "Helen Walton leaving her fortune to the Walton Family Foundation? This stinks of nepotism."

    Lacey Rasmussen Systems Analyst
  • "This mom-and-pop public education operation has been around long enough."

    Brendan Flaherty Concierge
  • "On the one hand, I don't care for Wal-Mart. On the other hand, I don't care for public education. So this rich dead lady is really starting to piss me off."

    Larry Keenan Grocer

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