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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

While post-Thanksgiving sales were up 6 percent from last year for most retailers, Wal-Mart's numbers fell below even their modest forecast. What do you think?
  • “Their customer base has dropped way off since they started stocking the morning-after pill.”

    Ronnie Warren Oil Changer
  • “You can only give someone a T-shirt of the Tasmanian Devil waving an America flag so many times.”

    Karen Wachtel Events Planner
  • “Wal-Mart just doesn't carry the same piece-of-shit bullshit I like to give to my loved ones that they used to.”

    Chuck Bryant Lab Technician

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