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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

While post-Thanksgiving sales were up 6 percent from last year for most retailers, Wal-Mart's numbers fell below even their modest forecast. What do you think?
  • “Their customer base has dropped way off since they started stocking the morning-after pill.”

    Ronnie Warren Oil Changer
  • “You can only give someone a T-shirt of the Tasmanian Devil waving an America flag so many times.”

    Karen Wachtel Events Planner
  • “Wal-Mart just doesn't carry the same piece-of-shit bullshit I like to give to my loved ones that they used to.”

    Chuck Bryant Lab Technician
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