Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

Wall Street And The War

In spite of widespread predictions that the war would cure Wall Street's ills, the stock market has been unpredictable since the invasion of Iraq began. What do you think?
  • "Wall Street's fluctuations suggest a disturbing lack of confidence in our fighting men abroad. Come on, Dow, support the troops."

    Michael Kingery Accountant
  • "I don't know, my shares of Bombco have been pretty solid."

    Fred Lathon Systems Analyst
  • "Those jitters on Wall Street probably have more to do with New York's smoking ban than with the war."

    Melissa Arcero Florist
  • "It's wartime, so I guess I figured all of us unemployed people would get jobs building munitions or riveting battleships."

    Chris Cassell Unemployed
  • "My noise-rock band is creating a song with chord changes based on the Dow's actual fluctuations. You bet it sucks!"

    Dean Reiss Machinist
  • "All I want is for my son to make it home from Wall Street alive."

    Marjorie Block Homemaker

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.