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Wall Street's Wild Ride

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
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Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?
  • "This affects me greatly, as all my money is in the technology sector. Specifically, it's in the Soul Calibur machine at the laundromat."

    Ron Burkett Busboy
  • "So people finally figured out that all that money in Internet stocks is largely imaginary, and that sent the market plummeting? Gee, better not tell them about banks."

    Linda Irving Research Assistant
  • "If we go into another recession, does that mean a bunch of stockbrokers will kill themselves like in the '80s? Because that was great."

    Shelley Nunez Nurse Practitioner
  • "Could I have a different question that I even remotely relate to?"

    Rick Munz Bartender
  • "As an economist, I'll try my best to put the current Wall Street situation in layman's terms: Why, look who's here–it's silly old Mr. Bear! Grr! Roar! Run, Mr. Bull, run!"

    Melvin Nickerson Economist
  • "The dip was just a brief aberration. In fact, we can look forward to 30, 40 years of steady growth, until the world's resources are depleted and mankind is plunged into a new Dark Age of abject want and barbarism."

    Edwin Rousch Systems Analyst

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