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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Walter Reed Head Fired

Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey has resigned after an investigation found systemic outpatient care deficiencies at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. What do you think?
  • "Now that they've gotten rid of their scapegoat I'm sure that everything will start getting better."

    Irv Mendlesohn Contractor
  • "Well, it's good to see a rebuilding effort happening in at least one place where the military is."

    Erin Braylor Barista
  • "This whole support-the-troops mentality is really catching on among the top brass."

    Terry Barnes Physical Therapist

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