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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Walters Had Affair With Senator

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think?
  • "Of all the political figures she's interviewed over the years, I would've hoped she could have at least bedded Qaddafi."

    Walter Sanders Sewer Cleaner
  • "I guess we can talk about it now that they're both pretty much dead."

    Jessica Kupferberg Meteorologist
  • "What's that? Someone got laid? Sweet."

    Dan Weaver Systems Analyst

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