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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Walters Had Affair With Senator

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think?
  • "Of all the political figures she's interviewed over the years, I would've hoped she could have at least bedded Qaddafi."

    Walter Sanders Sewer Cleaner
  • "I guess we can talk about it now that they're both pretty much dead."

    Jessica Kupferberg Meteorologist
  • "What's that? Someone got laid? Sweet."

    Dan Weaver Systems Analyst
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