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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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War Czar Considering Draft

In a recent interview, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said that it made sense to consider the possibility of a draft. What do you think?
  • "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, fine! I'll go to grad school!"

    Paulette Anderon Pilates Instructor
  • "Boy, this administration is really beginning to test my apathy."

    Jake Winslow Systems Analyst
  • "My only problem with a draft is that I don't want to go."

    Terry Bamford Crop Duster

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