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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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War Czar Considering Draft

In a recent interview, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said that it made sense to consider the possibility of a draft. What do you think?
  • "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, fine! I'll go to grad school!"

    Paulette Anderon Pilates Instructor
  • "Boy, this administration is really beginning to test my apathy."

    Jake Winslow Systems Analyst
  • "My only problem with a draft is that I don't want to go."

    Terry Bamford Crop Duster

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