Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

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Vol 48 Issue 16

Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life

WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death in cows.

Storage Wars

A&E 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A dejected Dave thinks the storage locker he purchased is a bust when once again he finds nothing but a 55-gallon oil drum stuffed with two female bodies, but he rejoices upon realizing the corpses are concealing a min...

So, You Wanna Dance?

Fox 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST With host Ryan Seacrest looming over them, waiting…sure they do!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced he was being treated for prostate cancer, stirring speculation over who his successor at Berkshire Hathaway would be. What do you think?

  • "Sheesh, with all that money, you’d think he’d just have his head grafted onto the body of some poor kid with a shiny new prostate."

    Mary Baker
    Systems Analyst
  • "Great. Now I can’t stop picturing Warren Buffett’s enlarged prostate. Thanks for nothing."

    Ryan Tilly
    Pheresis Specialist
  • "Prostate cancer is very survivable. Buffett knows how to pick them!"

    Morgan Gillis
    Unemployed
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