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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced he was being treated for prostate cancer, stirring speculation over who his successor at Berkshire Hathaway would be. What do you think?

  • "Sheesh, with all that money, you’d think he’d just have his head grafted onto the body of some poor kid with a shiny new prostate."

    Mary Baker Systems Analyst
  • "Great. Now I can’t stop picturing Warren Buffett’s enlarged prostate. Thanks for nothing."

    Ryan Tilly Pheresis Specialist
  • "Prostate cancer is very survivable. Buffett knows how to pick them!"

    Morgan Gillis Unemployed

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