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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Warren Buffett Offering $1 Billion For Perfect NCAA Bracket

Warren Buffett, the world's fourth-richest person, is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone who can accurately predict the outcome of every game in this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament, though statisticians estimate even the most knowledgeable fan only has a one-in-a-billion chance of filling out a perfect bracket. What do you think?

  • “A billion dollars? But that’s exactly enough to pay for Little Susie’s surgery. I have to win!”

    Bill Evans Systems Analyst
  • “He didn’t come to be the world’s richest man by playing it safe.”

    Ann Despotidou Meeting Scheduler
  • “The winner at my office gets a Chili’s gift card. So it’d be pretty sweet if I could win this one too.”

    Kevin D’Amico Squadron Leader

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