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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Was Romney A Bully?

Former classmates of Mitt Romney have reported multiple incidents of bullying by the presidential candidate when he was a student at the prestigious Cranbrook preparatory school in Michigan. What do you think?

  • "I don't get why everyone always says that Romney has no personality when he's very clearly an asshole."

    Henry Partain Systems Analyst
  • “I'm not sure ‘bully’ is the right word, but it’s pretty damn forward to dedicate a chunk of your life to wheedling strangers into worshipping your god.”

    Gayle Hardesty Antiques Restorer
  • "There’s only one way to find out. Put my shy kid with a lisp in front of him and see if he can keep his slapping hands to himself."

    Thomas Vail Mill Attendant
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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