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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?
  • "I let my son see that Porky's movie back when he was an impressionable teenager, and now he has sex all the time."

    Therese Allen Homemaker
  • "If Gore wants to be critical of Hollywood, he needs to stop accepting all those guest spots on The Practice."

    Michelle Wilens Psychologist
  • "Remember that one scene in the Gulf War, where the Iraqi dude gets his head blown off and the brain chunks splatter all over his screaming wife? That was awesome."

    Dan Duckett Auto Mechanic
  • "Some say those pro-wrestling shows go too far, but my son just loves rooting for 'The Wifebeater' and 'Superkike.' It's the only TV that keeps him quiet."

    Frederick Meese Systems Analyst
  • "Not all kids want to see sex and violence on TV, you know. My brother, for example, loves violence, whereas I much prefer the sex."

    Len Buice Student
  • "We must clean up the airwaves and make them safe for children! Oh, and I suppose we could do that to the actual streets of the nation, as well."

    Curt Dawkins Network Administrator

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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