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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?
  • "I let my son see that Porky's movie back when he was an impressionable teenager, and now he has sex all the time."

    Therese Allen Homemaker
  • "If Gore wants to be critical of Hollywood, he needs to stop accepting all those guest spots on The Practice."

    Michelle Wilens Psychologist
  • "Remember that one scene in the Gulf War, where the Iraqi dude gets his head blown off and the brain chunks splatter all over his screaming wife? That was awesome."

    Dan Duckett Auto Mechanic
  • "Some say those pro-wrestling shows go too far, but my son just loves rooting for 'The Wifebeater' and 'Superkike.' It's the only TV that keeps him quiet."

    Frederick Meese Systems Analyst
  • "Not all kids want to see sex and violence on TV, you know. My brother, for example, loves violence, whereas I much prefer the sex."

    Len Buice Student
  • "We must clean up the airwaves and make them safe for children! Oh, and I suppose we could do that to the actual streets of the nation, as well."

    Curt Dawkins Network Administrator

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