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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think?

  • "Hmm. I'll have to check with my one black friend to see if that's true."

    Mary Bloom Career Counselor
  • "It makes me glad that, in one very small way, the universe has finally started to treat black women and rich old white men with utter equality."

    Keith Roester Sea Transport Worker
  • "Big shout-out to my black sisters. I want to wish them the peace and strength to deal with that whole janky weave thing."

    Finn Castellano Animal Control Worker

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