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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Weezer Cancels Concerts

Following a bus accident in which lead singer Rivers Cuomo cracked three ribs, the band Weezer has canceled its December tour dates. What do you think?
  • "Now where the hell am I going to wear this stupid cardigan? I don’t even think I kept the receipt."

    Adric Taylor Clinical Education Consultant
  • "No!!! Oh, wait, never mind. It's 2009."

    Davros Monasterio Concessions Manager
  • "That guy gets upset when a girl doesn't like him. I can't imagine the shitty music he's gonna pump out of cracking three ribs."

    Leela Schmersal Marketing Sales
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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