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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

Rock band Velvet Revolver has parted ways with singer Scott Weiland, saying in a statement that Weiland "wasn't 100 percent committed" to the fans or music. What do you think?
  • "How can anyone measure up to Slash's professional standards of excellence?"

    Jon Evans Blackjack Dealer
  • "If Weiland doesn't get sober, he'll end up just like Kurt Cobain. Actually, that's a bit extreme. He'll be more like Layne Staley."

    Oliver Topper Bank Teller
  • "It was a glorious run but after some albums and tours and interviews, I guess the time has come to move on."

    Anya Lonberg-Holm Camera Salesperson

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