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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn’t Of Him

While denying he sent the image to a female follower of his Twitter account, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) said he could not state with absolute certitude that he was not the man pictured in a photo showing an engorged penis covered by gray boxer-briefs. What do you think?

  • “With a name like that, I’m not surprised he sent out pics of his Andrew.”

    Susan Jackson Systems Analyst
  • "Of course he can't say for sure. Since the penis is covered, there's no way to tell if it has the Weiner family crest."

    Finn Langmaid Game-Farm Helper
  • "That's okay. I don't know what my dick looks like, either. I'm a pretty busy guy."

    Miguel Pentz Attorney

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