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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?
  • "Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical."

    Don Munns Carpenter
  • "I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time."

    Allen Williams Bank Teller
  • "If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave."

    Julia Schmitt Student
  • "Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves."

    Mel Davis Systems Analyst
  • "One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement."

    Mindy Lawrence Nurse
  • "Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?"

    Albert Rohan File Clerk

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