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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?
  • "Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical."

    Don Munns Carpenter
  • "I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time."

    Allen Williams Bank Teller
  • "If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave."

    Julia Schmitt Student
  • "Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves."

    Mel Davis Systems Analyst
  • "One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement."

    Mindy Lawrence Nurse
  • "Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?"

    Albert Rohan File Clerk

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