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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?
  • "Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical."

    Don Munns
    Carpenter
  • "I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time."

    Allen Williams
    Bank Teller
  • "If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave."

    Julia Schmitt
    Student
  • "Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves."

    Mel Davis
    Systems Analyst
  • "One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement."

    Mindy Lawrence
    Nurse
  • "Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?"

    Albert Rohan
    File Clerk