adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?
  • "Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical."

    Don Munns Carpenter
  • "I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time."

    Allen Williams Bank Teller
  • "If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave."

    Julia Schmitt Student
  • "Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves."

    Mel Davis Systems Analyst
  • "One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement."

    Mindy Lawrence Nurse
  • "Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?"

    Albert Rohan File Clerk

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close