adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?
  • "Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical."

    Don Munns Carpenter
  • "I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time."

    Allen Williams Bank Teller
  • "If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave."

    Julia Schmitt Student
  • "Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves."

    Mel Davis Systems Analyst
  • "One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement."

    Mindy Lawrence Nurse
  • "Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?"

    Albert Rohan File Clerk

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close