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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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White Actor Cast As Michael Jackson In Upcoming Film

Controversy has surrounded the casting of white actor Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson in the upcoming comedy Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon, a film based on the allegedly true story of Michael Jackson leaving New York City with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. What do you think?

  • “When will Hollywood finally address the issue of white British actors taking roles away from white American actors?”

    Reese Crowley Cardboard Specialist
  • “Of course it’s controversial, but I think enough time has finally passed to make a movie about 9/11.”

    Brian Dornan Saw Sharpener
  • “It’s like we’re living in a society where the triumphant hook from ‘Black Or White’ doesn’t even exist.”

    Jamie Miller Dent Remover

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