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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns

A White House task force headed by Vice President Joe Biden is meeting today with a top representative of the National Rifle Association to discuss policies aimed at reducing gun violence. What do you think?

  • “I’m glad to hear the NRA is finally getting the opportunity to present its ideas to the government.”

    Albert Gianette Roads Supervisor
  • “Why are they discussing gun control when even the bumper-sticker industry has concluded that guns don’t kill people?”

    Malcolm Anaya Travel Agent
  • “I hope they seriously consider either mental-health checks or not doing anything.”

    Jan Rosenthal Voltage Tester
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