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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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White iPhone Delayed

Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring. What do you think?

  • "Apple's probably just making some last-minute tweaks to make sure the phone's hue is superior to the competition's."

  • "So there's going to be an all-white iPhone network and one for black people? Post-racial America my ass."

    Justin Darnielle Construction Worker
  • "Maybe I don't understand the problem here, but why don't they just make iPhones that are white?”

    Calvin Merritt Receptionist

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