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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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White iPhone Delayed

Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring. What do you think?

  • "Apple's probably just making some last-minute tweaks to make sure the phone's hue is superior to the competition's."

  • "So there's going to be an all-white iPhone network and one for black people? Post-racial America my ass."

    Justin Darnielle Construction Worker
  • "Maybe I don't understand the problem here, but why don't they just make iPhones that are white?”

    Calvin Merritt Receptionist
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