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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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White Texan Wins Election After Pretending To Be Black

A white conservative won a seat on the Houston Community College Board of Trustees after sending out flyers in his predominantly black neighborhood that showed stock images of African-Americans and included an endorsement by a family member who has the same name as a popular local black politician. What do you think?

  • “Mitt Romney has to be kicking himself right now.”

    Buford Grazer Auctioneer
  • “Don’t be so naive. No one gets on the Houston Community College Board of Trustees without a few dirty tricks.”

    Leah Palevsky Systems Analyst
  • “This is exactly the kind of thing that causes people to lose trust in what’s printed on flyers.”

    Weston Zane Cotton Grower
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