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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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'Whitney Houston' Top Google Search Of 2012

According to Google, the world’s top trending search topic of 2012 was “Whitney Houston,” the famed American vocalist who died in February. What do you think?

  • “Wasn’t me. I already know all there is to know about Whitney Houston.”

    Marty Gibbs Toggle Press Operator
  • “Happen to know offhand how ‘lawn mower repair Muncie Indiana’ ranked? Or ‘Q-tip eardrum damage’?”

    Renee Snopel Gas Delivery Driver
  • “I’m sure Whitney is somewhere up above tracking the top trending Google search results and smiling.”

    Tim DeWolf Crushed Stone Grader
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