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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Wikipedia Offline After Cables Cut

The popular user-generated encyclopedia Wikipedia went dark for roughly two hours yesterday after fiber optic cables from its Florida data center were severed. What do you think?

  • “This is why I always back up everything on floppy disk.”

    Howard Bartsch Occupational Therapist
  • “Thank God IMDb wasn’t down or I would’ve had nothing to prove my friends wrong with.”

    Matt Strano Latex Spooler
  • “I know. I was reduced to getting my unverified information from strangers who were physically near me. It was horrible.”

    Iris Cramer Highway Patrol Pilot
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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