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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Will.i.am To Debut New Song On Mars

With the help of NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, Black Eyed Peas star will.i.am is set to debut his newest single, “Reach For The Stars,” on the Martian surface today at 4 p.m. EDT, playing the song through speakers on the Mars rover Curiosity. What do you think?

  • “If anyone’s going to love will.i.am’s new song, it’s rocks.”

    John Amirante Expeller Operator
  • “Call me cynical, but this reeks of a publicity stunt.”

    Michael Brutsche Unemployed
  • “It was nice of them to wait for Neil Armstrong to die before doing this.”

    Doris Chostner Wet Suit Gluer

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