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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Willie Nelson Busted For Pot

Willie Nelson was issued a citation Monday for possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think?
  • "He got caught? Crap. All right, I guess I got to call my other guy."

    Doug Addams Button Maker
  • "You can't arrest Willie Nelson for doing drugs. That's like arresting Aretha Franklin for being fat, or James Brown for any of the various crimes he's committed."

    Terry North Osteopath
  • "That's the difference between marijuana and alcohol: When Willie Nelson was pulled over, he had only nice things to say about Jews."

    Janet Gansburg Bond Insurer

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