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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected

A study published in the Journal Of Applied Ecology of 10 bird species on the site of a newly constructed wind farm showed that most populations were unaffected by the operating turbines. What do you think?

  • "But what of our nation's precious kite population?"

    Oren Minett Systems Analyst
  • "Well then, that completely meritless class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of that giant bobolink flock should be thrown out immediately."

    Chloe Jackson Vortex Operator
  • "'Most birds were unaffected?' I just rediscovered my love of science."

    Keith Lawrie Uniform-Cap Operator

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