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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D

A digitally restored IMAX 3D version of the The Wizard Of Oz begins a weeklong run in theaters today as part of Warner Bros. effort to celebrate the film’s 75th anniversary and promote their new Collector’s Edition Blu-ray and DVD, which will go on sale Oct. 1 for $105. What do you think?

  • “It’s about time they fixed that piece of crap.”

    Angelo Guzman Salvage Diver
  • “Shoot! I’m already 200 bucks over my Oz budget as it is.”

    Red McEldowney Priest
  • “Just the way Bert Lahr was meant to be seen.”

    Peg Villarino Medical Illustrator
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