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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Woman Fined For Truck Nutz

Facing a $445 fine, a South Carolina woman will go to trial to let a jury determine whether the fake oversized testicles hanging off the back of her truck are obscene. What do you think?

  • “This ruling will have broad implications for the entire automotive genital-accessory industry.”

    Ted Scuffleton Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not sure using the 'contemporary community standards' test to determine indecency will help the state's case. At this point, the whole country pretty much associates fake-testicle car ornaments with South Carolina."

    Lacey Cadeau Lacing-String Cutter
  • "I really hope they make this into a major motion picture. We haven't given Kathy Bates something to sink her teeth into for a while."

    Jarred Gordon Pulp Bleacher

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