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Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks

A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a refrigerated case at a Starbucks in San Jose. What do you think?

  • “I like a little rubbing alcohol in my O.J., but not that much.”

    Jeb Levin Mannequin Decorator
  • “If you look at it from her perspective, though, that’s still really fucked up.”

    Gayle Noble Cabin Outfitter
  • “That’s nothing. Yesterday, this guy in line at Starbucks was screaming into his phone the whole time, and then when it came time to pay, he said he left his wallet in his car. Unbelievable.”

    Shawn Yoon Paint Stripper

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