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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks

A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a refrigerated case at a Starbucks in San Jose. What do you think?

  • “I like a little rubbing alcohol in my O.J., but not that much.”

    Jeb Levin Mannequin Decorator
  • “If you look at it from her perspective, though, that’s still really fucked up.”

    Gayle Noble Cabin Outfitter
  • “That’s nothing. Yesterday, this guy in line at Starbucks was screaming into his phone the whole time, and then when it came time to pay, he said he left his wallet in his car. Unbelievable.”

    Shawn Yoon Paint Stripper

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