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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks

A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a refrigerated case at a Starbucks in San Jose. What do you think?

  • “I like a little rubbing alcohol in my O.J., but not that much.”

    Jeb Levin Mannequin Decorator
  • “If you look at it from her perspective, though, that’s still really fucked up.”

    Gayle Noble Cabin Outfitter
  • “That’s nothing. Yesterday, this guy in line at Starbucks was screaming into his phone the whole time, and then when it came time to pay, he said he left his wallet in his car. Unbelievable.”

    Shawn Yoon Paint Stripper
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