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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Women On The Front Line

Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What do you think?
  • “If you ask me, it’s about time America’s proud and deadly fighting women were put in the damn military.”

    Al Trevino Nurse
  • “Man, imagine how humiliating it would be to have a crush on a girl in your platoon, only to get your legs blown off right in front of her.”

    Gabriel Meyers Systems Analyst
  • “Women in the military is a complicated issue in the otherwise black-and-white world of war and combat.”

    Renee Blankenship Librarian
  • “I think we should take women off their pedestals, as they just make them sitting ducks in the battle zone.”

    Ronald Savage Locksmith
  • “Women are too docile to serve in front-line combat. Their place is back at the prison, sadistically torturing detainees.”

    Elmer Whitehead Lawyer
  • “To their commanders, front-line soldiers are nothing more than objects, warm bodies, pieces of meat. Women should certainly be used to that.”

    Joy Woodard Homemaker
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