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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate

Women will occupy a record 20 of the U.S. Senate’s 100 seats when the 113th Congress opens in January, the result of numerous high-profile election victories, including Elizabeth Warren’s in Massachusetts and Tammy Baldwin’s in Wisconsin. What do you think?

  • “That’s a great first step, but they won’t be truly equal until there are 25, or maybe 30, women in the Senate.”

    Troy Quiacos Tourist Information Assistant
  • “Women can get nothing done just as well as men can, and it’s a disgrace that percentage isn’t higher.”

    Lena Cacioppo Wallpaper Printer
  • “At least their salaries will save the government some dough.”

    Ron Nowland Sanding Machine Operator

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