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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate

Women will occupy a record 20 of the U.S. Senate’s 100 seats when the 113th Congress opens in January, the result of numerous high-profile election victories, including Elizabeth Warren’s in Massachusetts and Tammy Baldwin’s in Wisconsin. What do you think?

  • “That’s a great first step, but they won’t be truly equal until there are 25, or maybe 30, women in the Senate.”

    Troy Quiacos Tourist Information Assistant
  • “Women can get nothing done just as well as men can, and it’s a disgrace that percentage isn’t higher.”

    Lena Cacioppo Wallpaper Printer
  • “At least their salaries will save the government some dough.”

    Ron Nowland Sanding Machine Operator

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