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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate

Women will occupy a record 20 of the U.S. Senate’s 100 seats when the 113th Congress opens in January, the result of numerous high-profile election victories, including Elizabeth Warren’s in Massachusetts and Tammy Baldwin’s in Wisconsin. What do you think?

  • “That’s a great first step, but they won’t be truly equal until there are 25, or maybe 30, women in the Senate.”

    Troy Quiacos Tourist Information Assistant
  • “Women can get nothing done just as well as men can, and it’s a disgrace that percentage isn’t higher.”

    Lena Cacioppo Wallpaper Printer
  • “At least their salaries will save the government some dough.”

    Ron Nowland Sanding Machine Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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