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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Women To Serve On Submarines

Sixteen years after the Navy began allowing women to serve on surface ships, the U.S. military has decreed that women will serve on submarines by 2012. What do you think?

  • "The first of those women will have their pick of pallid, hollow-eyed men attuned to sonar beeps."

    Chris Nix Mine Operator
  • "The first thing I hope they do is paint. The Ohio class has such a drab interior hull."

    Svetlana Terry ASL Translator
  • "The Danish have had female submariners since the 1980s, and their Navy sucks."

    Craig Jackson Staffing Specialist

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