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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Work Up, Pay Down

Over the last decade, American work productivity has increased 33%, while wages have only increased 11%. What do you think?
  • "Look, I've only got five minutes for my break, and I'm not about to waste it talking to you."

    Mike Schwartz Lens Grinder
  • "I love the notion that workers are somehow supposed to be rewarded for increased productivity. Do you see any of those CEO's being rewarded for being more productive? No. They are being rewarded for absolutely no reason."

    John McDougal CEO
  • "So if I reduce my productivity 20%, it'll be like getting an automatic raise. Which will come in handy when I'm fired for taking 3-day weekends."

    Marilyn Wittner IT Specialist

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