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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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World Cup Draws Record US Television Ratings

The 2014 FIFA World Cup drew record TV ratings in America with 25 million viewers tuning in to the USA-Portugal match, reaching more people than either the NBA Finals or the MLB World Series, though some sports analysts have argued that Americans’ passion for the sport will not survive past the tournament. What do you think?

  • “Sorry, but I really can’t see soccer competing with the nonstop intensity of Major League Baseball.”

    Paul Richardson Systems Analyst
  • “A lot of people said America’s passion for biathlon wouldn’t survive past the Winter Olympics either, and look where we are now.”

    Meghan Yu Handbag Designer
  • “I just like any game that lets me honk after.”

    Ryan Brock Waste Management Consultant

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