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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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World Cup Draws Record US Television Ratings

The 2014 FIFA World Cup drew record TV ratings in America with 25 million viewers tuning in to the USA-Portugal match, reaching more people than either the NBA Finals or the MLB World Series, though some sports analysts have argued that Americans’ passion for the sport will not survive past the tournament. What do you think?

  • “Sorry, but I really can’t see soccer competing with the nonstop intensity of Major League Baseball.”

    Paul Richardson Systems Analyst
  • “A lot of people said America’s passion for biathlon wouldn’t survive past the Winter Olympics either, and look where we are now.”

    Meghan Yu Handbag Designer
  • “I just like any game that lets me honk after.”

    Ryan Brock Waste Management Consultant
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